I know, two downer posts in a row. I hate that… shoot, that’s negative too. BAAAAH!
I don’t know if it’s my ADHD, financial stress, self-imposed pressure, but this week has been one of the worst in months for productivity and creativity. I do have a hint: Monday night I was informed that music sales for this last month were the lowest they’ve been in, well, years, I think. My first thought was my usual response: “Oh, well. I’m sure it will pick up again next month.”
But the next morning (Tuesday) when I tried to work, it was like, “What’s the use? It’s not like it’s going anywhere.” I knew better than to think that way, and I tried–desperately to chase the negative thoughts out. But it was as if the damage was already done. My heart simply couldn’t get into the work. Every creative endeavor was like trying to use the force to get things done–it just didn’t work for me.
I went for a drive, calmed my head, came back feeling a little better, had a very unproductive afternoon, and when it was quitting time, I had practically nothing to show for my day’s “work.”
Yesterday wasn’t too bad, but I didn’t get as far as I wanted on a particular project, and today was worse than Tuesday. Ugh…
I’m not trying to complain. I guess I’m using blog writing for therapy. Not sure it’s helping so far.
I’m usually a very upbeat person, but be it known to any who know me, that I have down time, too. Like, really bad down time, sometimes. When I’m honest with my self, I’ve clearly been depressed.
That said, I know better. I know all the negative thoughts and feelings are just that–thoughts and feelings. They are at odds with the truth that God is in control–and that is the superior truth. That is the empowering thought. I know God is looking out for me, and leading me to where I need to be. I’d love–LOVE to know where that is right now. I’d love to know what direction I’m supposed to be working in, and I’ve been praying like crazy about it, but God doesn’t see fit to show it to me yet, so I’m staying faithful to what I know.
Even though it doesn’t feel like it at the moment, God is with me. Even though things are really rough right now (career-wise anyway, and thus, directionally), He is sending His angels to help. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that He’s allowing me to experience this for an important purpose that I’ll someday know.
Sometimes trials are there to strengthen me. Sometimes they’re there to teach me. Sometimes they’re there to push me to where we need to be, and sometimes they’re there to strengthen my resolve to do what I’m already doing. I sure wish I knew the purpose of the present trials, but either way, God knows my heart even better than I do. He is there. He loves me. I’m still fully, entirely, on His side, and that will never change.