Cautions for Bloggers

I’ve been reading some of the cautions for bloggers, and I realized that I’ve been going against far too many of the warnings. It’s a dangerous world out there, full of psychos who would love to use my blog to destroy my life. So I came up with a few ideas to protect my personal identity and the reputation and lives of those around me.

The world is full of pathologic googlers who can think of nothing more fascinating to do than sit at their computers and search the Net for every person they know. When they find you, they dig until they can find your blog, record all the personal information they can find, and sell it to conspirators. These conspirators sell your email to spammers, your phone number to telemarketers, your address to bulk mail distributors, and your name to pulp fiction writers.

Therefore, it would be terribly dangerous for me to put my real name on my blog. I think I’ll adopt a pseudonym – maybe one of those cool ones that uses real words with alternate spellings, such as Daye Greenwood or Zeneth Paine. Or maybe I should use one of the fantasy sounding ones like Tugath Zangweaver.

Then again, I mostly do non-fiction writing. Nonfiction readers want to know your credentials, and I’ve never heard of a Tugath or Zeneth with any decent credentials, so maybe I should adopt one of the CEO sounding ones, like Craig Power or Eric Doams.

I’ve also got to avoid putting real pictures of myself, let alone my family or kids, so perhaps I’ll follow the blog-warning-website’s advice and start using avatars in place of my real face, and the faces of my family. Japanese cartoons make great avatars.

Oh, and I have to be careful not to tell too much about myself, such as what I do in my spare time – after all, the infamous “they” might think to look for me at the Scottish Fest if they knew I was into kilt-weaving.

And lets not forget about password security. The last thing I need is to have some hacker break into my blog, change the password, post bootlegged Mrs. Fields cookie recipes, and get the FBI after me. Therefore, I’ve devised a simple yet effective password protection system. Take the month – in it’s numeric form, divide it by your age, and type the resulting numbers while holding the shift key (this should make all the numbers into characters). Then for every consonant in your name, type the next alphabetical consonant, and for every vowel, the next alphabetical vowel. Use this as your password. Then just change it monthly. I don’t think anyone will discover, let alone remember your password. And in the shear chance that they do figure it out, they will be thrown again when your age changes.

I’ve also thought of a way to secure my bankcard information. Whenever I make a purchase online, I could immediately call the bank and close the account. That way any stalking hackers who intercept my information are thwarted when they try to use it to buy Nevada lottery tickets. It will probably drive the bank bonkers, but better them than me. Maybe I could even try encoding my bankcard info when I submit it so the machine has to consult the bank before letting the purchase through.

Yup, you can expect that I’ll be good and safe from now on. So if you Google Zangweaver Powers, you still won’t be able to steal my money or identity – especially if I decide to start writing my blogs in binary code:

zangweaver-powers

00101001

01001000011111001001010 101010000101101010 110110011010010 1010100101 010000101110101110 100010100101001 00001110010 01010101100 00101101010110110011001010101 001010100010111010111010