Three Part Stories: Bobby’s Startling Day

Bobby Blake was the smartest kid in the 3rd grade. He had even memorized all the works of Shakespeare. One day, the school bully cornered him on the playground.

 

“Get away from me!!!”, Bobby creamed. He closed his eyes and started flailing wildly, punching at the air. He felt his fist hit something, something soft…

 

Then, suddenly, a huge eagle swooped down and snatched him up in it’s sharp talons. Before he could even scream, they were soaring high in the air, The ground looked like a tiny moving picture far, far below. He screamed and the eagle screamed back. He knew he was finished. But then the eagle dropped back to the ground and set him down gently.

The Grand Spam Award!

As I’ve mentioned before, I get a lot of spam comments on this blog, and instead of spamming them, I’ve decided to simply break their links and respond to them. (which is a good heads up, too. If I ever respond to your comments in a bizarre or senseless way, it means I mistook your comment for spam – I try to be polite and encourage comments, so don’t hold back!).

Anyway, some of these are better than others, and I have such a great time responding that I decided that my favorite spam comments would get an prize: The Grand Spam Award.

The Grand Spam Award for October goes to…

Wait for it… wait for it…

Orchard Bank!

Okay, so I got a very special message recently from the pre-qualifing, risk-free, fast and foaming Orchard Bank. Okay, so I added the foaming part – but not without excuse. Here’s the comment:


Thank you for this suggestions good evaluate; this will be the type of consideration that retains me although out the day.I have forever extended been wanting around to your web-site correct just after I observed about these from a shut good friend and was happy when I was in a very place to discover it correct subsequent to searching out for some time. Becoming a knowledgeable blogger, I’m happy to obtain out other people taking gumption and adding towards the neighborhood. I just desired to review to exhibit my understanding on your publish as it’s really moving, and tons of online writers usually do not get the credit score they really should have. I am good I’ll be back and can send out a handful of of my contacts.

Thanks, Orchard Bank. I’m glad that you will be retained throughout the day.

I can only assume that your message is being written in one of those codes where you just need to skip every few words in order for it to make sense. If so, I think I understand the interpretation.

I do have a question, though. What is a shut friend? Is that a friend who doesn’t talk, or a friend who has been shut into something – such as an old refrigerator? Contextually speaking, I’m assuming the latter, since you speak of searching (for him/her?) for some time. But then you speak of obtaining people, as if collecting them. Perhaps, then, it’s not an old refrigerator, but a large human aquarium. Yes, that makes sense. That would mean that you searched diligently and found a friend to shut into the aquarium. It would take a lot of gumption to pull that off.

Then you blog about your little human aquarium neighborhood.

Then you have someone review the exhibit, like you said, perhaps on their own blog.

I had no idea Orchard Bank sponsored human aquariums. At first I didn’t realize that’s what you were talking about, but after a careful reading of your comment, it’s quite clear. You search out and collect friends who are writers with bad credit scores or publishers who move a lot and shut them in a giant aquarium to exhibit. Then you blog about it all. Indeed, it would take a lot of gumption to pull that off.

Unfortunately, I don’t have such an aquarium, so sending me contacts won’t do much good. If you did send them, I’d just let them go.

– The Good Evaluate

Macaroni Bandaid

When it comes to kid injuries, Band-Aids can fix anything. If only they weren’t so dang expensive. Tootles had been having a crash boom bang day by dinnertime already tonight when he pinched his finger between his chair and the table. The wails were followed by blubbering begs for that traditional toddler cure-all. There was no blood at all, and if we gave Tootles a Band-Aid even half as often as he asked for one, I’d need a second job just to pay for them all.

So I said, “Hey, Tootles, I know what you need!”

He paused his wails long enough to see what I had in mind.

I pulled a spaghetti noodle out of the pot and said, “A macaroni band-aid!”

He shook his head. “No. I want a Bam-baid!”

“This is a Band-Aid!” I said, “It’s a macaroni Band-Aid. Don’t you want it for your finger?”

He shook his head.

“Alright,” I said, “I’ll just give it to Squeaker then.” Then I held the noodle out to nine-month-old Squeaker, who’s flailing hands caught it mid-swing and mashed it to her mouth before Tootles had a chance to protest.

There were a few silent seconds (other than the sound of vigorous Squeaker slurps), and then another scream from Tootles. “I want it! I want it!”

Now, of course I wasn’t about to take macaroni from a baby, but I did use the daddy slight-of-hand trick that involved taking another noodle from the pot and making a motion as if taking the noodle from Squeaker. It almost backfired when Squeaker was also momentarily fooled by the trick, but finding that her noodle was still hanging safely from her mouth, she commenced slurping her prize. Then I coiled the “recovered” noodle around Tootles’ sore finger.

By the end of dinner, the Band-Aid had been devoured and the soreness had been forgotten.

I think this opens a whole new world for toddler Band-Aid treatment.

Fun with Telemarketers: Mutant Alien Carrots

If you decide to enhance your carrot crop, don’t use fertilizer gathered from meteorite craters in Madagascar…

Just saying.

I Am Now Officially The Prankateer General

“I’d really like to make a name for myself… what do you think of the Prankateer General?”

“…Sounds like a pretty good idea.”

The message: be proactive

Be sure to listen through to the end on this. It drags a bit in the middle, but it gets fun again when the kids start eating the dog food.